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Restless, shapeless, directionless energy

I’ve been wrestling with this feeling for some time now and thought the best way to exorcise it might be to write it down. I’ve had a restless, shapeless, directionless energy for weeks and I don’t know what to do with it.

My first instinct is to be creative: write something, film something, plan something; and that’s good in short bursts. I’ve written a few sketches in that mind space, planned a couple of scenes for something. But, I can’t escape this all seeing withering eye on everything at the moment.

‘What will come of that?’

‘Should you be doing something else?’

I’ve taken to a healthy dose of wilful ignorance every morning, which if you’re not currently having on your Weetabix I would recommend starting immediately. But it never lasts when it comes to my writing, not for long anyway. So I soon turn to something else.

Side note, have you ever had Bran? It’s a type of cereal that looks like something more akin to a bowl in a rabbit hutch? If you haven’t, treat yourself. It’s – the only word I can think of is explosive. It’s food, sure, but so much else. It’s an event. I had it the other day for breakfast and it’s a very good way to distract yourself for a couple of hours.

Wanting to channel this energy, if something creative isn’t to be the output, I think let’s see if there are any new jobs. LinkedIn, or grown up Facebook as I have taken to calling it.

I’ve become addicted to LinkedIn in the way I was with Twitter. Though, whose idea was it to tell you how many people have applied to a role? I looked for one the other day, 744 applicants. It’s the ‘Easy Apply’ that does it. Same person that made ‘Easy Apply’ with LinkedIn devised the automatic playing of a next episode on Netflix. It has to be. It’s dangerous.

At which point, I’m sad and a little lost and so I make myself a cup of tea. I have a favourite mug, since you ask, it’s a Roald Dahl Matilda mug and I tend to make the tea in that.

I then try and write some more or go for a walk. I live very near a park, which is fortunate, and I tend to take a book there. Though, it’s so cold at the moment, more and more this is happening in bed.

Another side note, I have taken to wearing knitted thermals at every opportunity. It’s changed everything. I’m a firm believer in both a good jumper and no shorts, and constant knitted armour has been added onto these flimsy beliefs.

Cooking is proving difficult because I’m terrible at it. The same can be said of painting, knitting and running.

Tik Tok is the biggest distraction and I’m this close to deleting it. (If my data has already been stolen by Tik Tok and my computer is tapped, please know I’m joking – I’ll never delete you!)

Listening to music is – I feel I have to be honest, this is the fourth time I’ve had a go at writing this blog post. I have walked away and come back, each time with hopeful enthusiasm, four times! And I have to remind myself: ‘oh, yeah. The-the blog yeah. I should write that.’

This has to be the greatest sign of this directionless, shapeless, restless energy. It’s undoubtedly a symptom of lockdown and watching the industry I love remain stalled and keeping confined and worrying about the news; and you know what: writing about it hasn’t fixed it.

Fifth! This is the fifth time I’ve come back. Kept having this feeling I needed a better ending.

I’m going to try something else…

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